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And then there was Steve, or Dylan as we all
knew him (yes, just like the rabbit from the Magic Roundabout). He
actually owned a ¾ length bass guitar and an amp and speaker to plug
it into so he had to be in. From this unholy rabble ‘Phaze One’
was born upon an unsuspecting world.
It wasn’t that we were crap; it was just that
we didn’t have a clue.
I was the only one that could play a single
chord at that point. Well, when I say single, I mean about four and
it would take me the best part of a week to get from one to the
other.
We didn’t have a drum kit, so we used Steve’s
mum’s sofa, no PA (that’s probably where my ability to scream my
head off came from). Gary used Darren’s black Les Paul copy without
any kind of amplification and not even an inkling as to what to do
with the thing.
Steve was able to make the most noise because
he was amplified. The more power, the more volume, a concept I grew
to lust after over the years. However, he barely knew which way
round to hold his bass guitar, and in that his favourite bass player
of the time was Paul McCartney from Wings (and he plays a left
handed bass) confusion rang.
The only thing that we could bang out (and I
use the word ‘bang’ advisedly) was the opening riff of
‘Satisfaction’ by the ‘Rolling Stones’. And I belted out the
only lyrics we knew “I can’t get no….Satisfaction” over the
top of that riff. We didn’t know any more than that and as not one
of us owned the record in any shape or form we couldn’t even
consider what might come next.
To say that we were truly awful would have been
an understatement. Even the early Punks would have turned their
heads in disgust as we polluted Darren’s mother’s garage with a row
that could wake the dead.
It didn’t last long, mainly because one of
Darren’s neighbours called the police. As Steve had the only
amplification, it had to have been down to him; even I couldn’t make
that much noise without a PA.
I don’t think that the officers that arrived
were particularly narked by any of this, more wildly amused by the
sight of these lanky, scruffy and acne riddled teenagers making more
noise than a cat being stuffed through a garden shredder…slowly……!
By now we had been booted out of all our
practice spaces for crimes against domestic peace and quiet by our
parents and had even tried the school music rooms. Trouble is at
that point the head of the music department was heavily into Swing
(the music not the sexual activity) and our particular brand of
unpolished rock & roll was an anathema to him and so we were duly
and unceremoniously kicked out.
By this point I think it became transparently
clear that we were going no-where fast.
Gary was going out with way too many girls to
be able to spend the time and commitment to take our band
stratospheric and we discovered that although he was becoming a
mighty fine writer, our suspicions were being confirmed that Steve
was probably tone deaf. Apart from that he had aspirations of
becoming a literary giant as opposed to anything as crass as a rock
star (writers command a more refined and educated groupie…….I didn’t
care at 14 years old, all they needed was a pulse and be into
scruffy, skinny, spot addled preachers kids……and before you say it,
no none of them were).
So musically we went our separate ways. Gary
did one last musical leap and played the lead role of ‘Tony’ in the
schools production of ‘West Side Story’ (damn his good looks).
Darren and I went on to be those rock gods we dreamed of…….hang on a
mo, I mean we continued to DREAM of being those rocks gods…and still
do.
However, our tone deaf pal went on to much
greater things, if only by accident.
Steve went to London (being the only one of our
group that could actually string a sentence together he went to
University) and he became of all things a playwright. And a damn
fine one too I might add.
He was involved in writing the script for a
production that contained several songs, and in order to fulfil a
particular point within the production Steve took and old classic
pub song, ‘Auld Lang Syne’ and put the biblical words of the
‘Lords’ Prayer’ to it’ (you have a sense of where I am going
with this haven’t you).
Well the production was a great success and
nothing more was thought about it. Until that is, Steve got a call
to say that one ‘Sir Clifford of Richard’ wanted to take this
song from the production and make it his BIG single of the decade,
his Christmas No1 that would ensure him a hit in Lord knows how many
decades.
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